How Fast can a Zombie Run?

So I tried on my bathers the other day...It was not pretty. 

Three years of almost no exercise has turned me from a slim and fairly fit PoleDancing/Ju Jitsuing/Runner into something...not so much!  It's not that I weigh much more than I used to..its just it's all gone kinda...saggy. 

This (and several nights watching waaay too many episodes of The Walking Dead) led me to wonder "Am I fit enough to survive a Zombie Apocalypse?"

So of course I turned to the internet to find out.  I started with this site for a fairly general discussion -

How fast can they run? - Zombie Survival & Defense Wiki

There were some interesting discussions regarding types of Zombies, Rigor Mortis and lactic acid buildup in dead versus live muscles but in the end I didn't feel much the wiser. 

So next I sought some tips from Zombieland - These Survival Rules were pretty good actually although not all related to fitness -

http://zombie.wikia.com/wiki/Zombieland_Survival_Rules

Next I Googled Zombie Workout and OMG the number of people who have really put some effort in here is just astonishing!

Here is just a sample:

  Zombie Fit  This website uses what my son describes as "the manly French martial art of running away" or Parkour to gradually increase what it describes as your "Fitness for the Apocalypse"

 Zombie Workout  - Written by a self-described Television writer who throws amazing cocktail parties.  It chronicles her on-again off-again attempts to get fit to survive the Zombie apocalypse and I must admit I really related to her inability to actually blog regularly or do enough to prepare for the coming armageddon.  She's making good progress now though.

"How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse"  at NerdFitness is by far my favourite - nicely designed, funny and easy to read and full of good, solid info!

The other good news is that even if you are out of shape and lacking the motivation to get ZombieFit THERE IS AN APP FOR THAT!  I kid you not!

"Zombies, Run!" is a mobile phone running game that turns your boring jog into a matter of life or Un-death!  It is now available for Android as well as I-Phone users and I am off to the App store to buy me a copy!!!  I'll do a review once I have started using it as well as give updates on how I am doing on the path to recovering my Zombie Survival Fitness!!!

Updated 14 December 2012
Sorry I've been absent (again!) But I have actually been doing a spot of prepping, a smidgion of Zombie research and a whole lot of running!  As promised I bought theZombies, Run! App and gave it a whirl.  It was AWESOME!!!  And then I got bursitis in my knees (or, more glamorously, Housemaids Knee) which sucked as I had to wait for weeks before I could run again.  I am now tentatively back on the treadmill, literally, as it was attempting to run in the real world that buggered me knees in the first place.  The app is more fun when you are running through a semi-deserted University in the late afternoon but even on the treadmill it makes the grind of exercise really cool. I am now up to running about 4.5kms three times a week and I'm doing weights twice a week (Cardio,cardio, cardio!!) and it is sooo good to be feeling vaguely fit again.  I'm also having 4 weeks off over Christmas so I will have lots of time to keep up the regime, start my canning and dehydrating and continue with my quest to survive TEOTWAWKI (pity there's only a few days left...)  You can follow my ZombiesRun journey online if you have any interest...  https://www.zombiesrungame.com/Aulieude/413918/

Next post will be sooner I promise - possibly a drunken one on the eve of the Mayan End Times 21/12/12!!!

Did you remember the Whiskas?

So it's been a while since I posted and I'd love to say that's because I have been busy pickling crates of home grown vegetables whilst single-handedly installing a solar-powered Zombie-proof electric razor wire fence.  Sadly the truth is more mundane and less "Preppy" and involves boring words like "work" and "Gastro"

During this hiatus though I have been giving lots of thought to the subject of "Won't somebody think of the children!   or, more correctly..the Pets!"  because when TSHTF and you have to bug-out or bunker down - have you remembered pet food and, in our case, all the hideously expensive medicines that keep our ancient Cavalier King Charles Spaniel alive? 

Pet Food is important, because your cat WILL eat you if you haven't got any...seriously.  And if your cat is anything like ours she will whine and whinge when hungry so loudly even Zombies who have had their ears gnawed off couldn't fail to hear her.  And also cats wander, they sneak about, they kill things.  They GO OUTSIDE and probably bring that nasty old undead infection back with them!

So you will probably end up with this crawling up the bed clothes toward you ...

This....

...of course would NEVER happen because cats are assholes.

I actually Googled for images of Zombie cats (There's a million of them) but couldn't find one image of a Zombified Cavalier King Charles....

This is the closest I could get -

Braaaaiiiiiiinnnnnnssss!



Storage issues

....alternative title "I have nowhere to store the fucking beans!!"

Prepping (the cool term for being loony) is all about supplies.  Food, water, seeds, toilet paper (most important) medicines and, if you live in one of the more trigger happy parts of the world, gunsandammo.  To be fully prepared for a TEOTWAWKI or SHTF scenario one must have lots and lots and lots of supplies.

And you have to rotate them, cos otherwise they go gross and give you botulism or ebola or something. 

The other option is to have a LIST.  The idea being that you are obsessively monitoring the various world wide scenarios for DOOM and will know exactly when to get your ass to the shops and buy your supplies BEFORE the rest of the sheeple (another cool term for everyone in the world who is not loony) cotton on to the fact that they are all about to become zombie fodder.


Monitoring world DOOM is exhausting.  I know.  I do it.  A lot.

From Global Maps pinpointing unfolding disasters to conspiracy sites spouting some of the most randomly weird theories you will ever read to survivalist boards quietly comparing freeze dried food brands - I'm up to my glazed eyeballs in DOOM. 

But I know deep down that there is no way I will be able to respond quickly enough in a imaginary disaster scenario caused by latent paranoia  real life situation armed with nothing more than a hopeful  list.  So I need to stock up.  The problem being that I have absolutely no space. 

Semi-recent additions to my little family - aka new husband and two large stepsons, means our wee cottage is bursting at the seams.  Our loungeroom is now a shared bedroom, the dining table is on the back verandah and we have no spare space anywhere. 

So I am left with this conundrum, where the hell can I store my crazy-lady apocalypse supplies without alarming the cleaning lady??

Your thoughts and suggestions are welcome.

So we all know about the horrible face eating incident in Miami...

...so I am NOT going to post a link to it here (Let's just say my paranoia levels rose QUITE a bit over the weekend! ) But given that Zombie's are the new black (see how ahead of the pack I am..the shuffling, hunger-crazed pack...)  you might find this of interest:  http://www.mapofthedead.com/

Apologies for not posting last week - family stuff got in the way.  I will make up for it with a longer post soon I promise. 

Bugging out!

Tomorrow I have to drive down south - to the country!!- for various not very happy family matters. 

A sojourn out of urban surrounds is making me ponder that all important facet of Zombie Survival - the Bug Out Spot.

Once upon a time I HAD a bug-out spot - bought and paid for (well the pathetic % that the Bank didn't own, but you know what I mean).  And then my marriage broke up and I kept the suburban "dream" and he kept the country "safe haven" and only our mutual offspring now have the benefit of both (spoilt little buggers!) 

Western Australia is actually quite tricky when one is looking for a safe haven (Zombie wise that is)  Admittedly we have no bears or cougars (not counting Drop Bears which may or may not exist - a bit like Zombies people!) but also we have no bloody water!  We cling to the edges of this continent and pretend that it is able to support us all...those little green corridors that line this huge island continent - like a sad verdant valance on a dry desert bed.  But when you look at the possible escape areas - not much room to maneuver. 

It's funny reading American (North) survivalist sites - particularly those from Texas - the BIG US State  - do you know how many times Texas fits into Western Australia? 

This many times: 8.3424904 times

That's quite a lot of times.  But MOST of WA is not very hospitable for (most) of us.  So where would YOU go in a SHTF scenario?  You have to get away, there has to be water, the possibility of growing food, aka arable land, it has to be remote enough to avoid the rush of starving unprepared people and shuffling hordes of Zombies?  Where in WA (or your state/county etc)  do you think would be a) within driving distance in a crises situation  b)able to support life c) not so full of rednecks that you'd suddenly find yourself married to your own sister with a son called Cletus?

Not so easy is it?  I will checking out possibilities this weekend.  More to come.

Know Your Zombie!!!

Oh if only it were this simple!

So, why Zombies?... I hear you ask (as you shuffle akwardly backwards and try not to make eye-contact)  Why not some other, more likely apocalypse?  Lets face it, in the last few years we've had imminent economic collapse, pig AND chicken flu pandemics, earthquakes and exploding volcanoes, impending comets and 2012 (was *) the supposed end of the Mayan calendar - all far more likely contendors for DOOM than Zombies, surely?

Well if one prepares for a ZOMBIE apocalypse then one has all the other possible apocalypses covered doesn't one? (and one should really stop referring to oneself in the third person cos it makes One... me sound crazy)  I mean did you know that the American Centre for Disease Control agrees with me about this?  If you are ready for Zombies then you are ready for anything right?

Damn tooting!  But, getting away from that slightly sane, this is all a good natured, we're all in on the joke lark -  where and when are Zombies most likely to arise?

Good question! - I AM glad you asked! 

Here are the most likely current contenders:

Zombie Snails - http://video.nationalgeographic.com/video/kids/animals-pets-kids/invertebrates-kids/snail-zombies-kids/
Bird droppings into our water supply... it could happen!

Zombie Fungi - Mutations occur people!!! (Also this one is narrated by David Attenborough and, I don't know about you, but quite frankly that man's voice could make me believe in anything)

Malaria & sleeping sickness also have several strains that could potentially spawn a Zombie outbreak (Google them if you dare - add the word Zombie)

Creutzfeldt–Jakob Disease - http://blogcritics.org/scitech/article/stopping-the-zombie-disease-aka-mad/  This one is particularly close to my heart - having lived in the UK just prior to this hitting the news - the Red Cross don't want my blood, in case I am Zombie Patient Zero! (They want yours though - seriously - go donate you slacker!!)

And finally - this one is really tragic and VERY weird -
Nodding Disease:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nodding_disease

So - what does this tell us?  That a Zombie outbreak is possible?  That we don't know really what is just around the corner?  That Science geeks have too much time on their hands? - Possibly - just look at this web-site: http://thetortoiseslens.blogspot.com.au/2010/03/agent-based-computational-model-of.html     or it may be that this spotty science nerd is all that stands between you and extinction (and having your brain consumed by blood-crazed monsters and that nice Mrs Johnson from next door)

One day, maybe soon, an obscure Blog such as this may herald the future:  http://blog.ushahidi.com/index.php/2010/03/31/zombie-outbreak/

And on that cheerful note I leave you with this:

*They have apparently found a whole new one that debunks that - coincidence???? My Tin Hat tells me No!! - but then my Tin Hat tells me a lot of things...mostly Kill them..Kill them all ..umm wait...did I just say that out loud? Hahahah Joking!!! Yeah.....

Taking stock...

I used to be a "Prepper"  Or at least, a "Semi-Prepper"  Which is kinda like a Prepper, but without the guns, bug-out spot or bunker (see previous post).   What I did have was a serious case of Pandemic paranoia and a laundry full of about 6 weeks worth of food and medicine.  That was during the height of the first Avian Flu scare in 2006.  Since then my paranoia has remained high but my supplies have sadly dwindled. Not to mention my family has doubled in size (step children) and a new husband.

This is all that's left:

A few respirators and some extremely out of date Tamiflu (Best before Nov 2007) and one slightly mangled box of useless paper surgical masks.  This is not going to cut it!

Preparing for a Zombie Apocalypse is not so easy when you live in the middle of the city and have sod all spare cash.  If I was uber-rich I would simply buy into one of these  and hope like hell that none of my fellow 1 per centers was bitten on the way in. But given I am one of the 99% (aka Zombie fodder) I will have to get creative to survive.

Of course the good thing about this whole situation is that I am not alone in my craziness.  Tin Foil Hats are the new black in 2012.  Thus re-inventing the Anti-Zombie chainsaw - Katana is not necessary - there are sites all over the Internets dedicated to surviving ANY kind of apocalypse.

Let's start with a few shall we?

http://offgridsurvival.com/survivalwebsites/
A list of Survivalist web-sites includes Websites with names such as "Prepared Christian" and "Viking Survival" (I know which Team I'd rather be on!)

http://www.suburbanprepper.com/
American Blog (Northern California) that describes itself as follows:
"Many of us cannot or will not move out to rural northern Idaho in order to increase our chances (nothing is a guarantee) of survival in a SHTF scenario. For the suburban prepper, the goal is to minimize the impact on your family while maintaining sufficient food stores, home protection and maximizing your chance of being ready for the next quake, flood, economic collapse, riot, bird flu outbreak or dirty bomb that happens to come our way."
(Ed:  What No Zombies?????)

http://www.mungosaysbah.com/
Mungo says Bah - A personal Favourite - although not strictly a "Prepper" site - more of a mad Canadian McGuyver.

BUT the one I am checking out tomorrow is this one - as being the most relevant for my own situation:  ie living in Australia with no 2nd amendment.
http://www.aussurvivalist.com/

On a final note - my son made me play the Walking Dead Game - Dead Reckoning the other night - I got eaten, a lot.  And then I was too scared to play anymore.  So my self-image as the poster girl for impending DOOM took a bit of a hammering...

Courtesy of http://www.motifake.com/89123

Where's the damn Bunker??!!

This Blog is all True...  The TITLE is, of course, fictional, unless you are reading this by the dying light of a fading iPad battery as hordes of undead shuffle past on wind-swept streets.  In which case, hopefully the title is now solidly FACT, because otherwise I am dead, or possibly shuffling past your heavily boarded up windows...feeling hungry.

Now that context is firmly established (or not)  let me tell you why I decided to write a Zombie Apocalypse Survival Blog. A few weeks ago my 14 year old daughter Isabelle and I had the following conversation:

Isabelle:  Hey Mum, my friend Kirsty thinks your awesome.

Me:  (Surprised but pleased)  Thanks.  Nice to know.

Isabelle:  Yeah, she says your much cooler than her Mum. Her Mum doesn't even believe in the Zombie  Apocalypse, or pandemics or anything.

Me: (Smugly) Well some people just aren't very smart.

Isabelle:  Yeah, she thinks you're awesome and wants to know if she can come and share our bunker.  She said she doesn't need to bring her Mum...or her little brother.

Me:   Sure!  Wait..  Bunker, what bunker?

Isabelle:  You know, the bunker, for the apocalypse.  That bunker you have.

Me:  (Slightly hysterical)  I don't have a bunker!  What makes you think I have a bunker.

Isabelle:  I dunno, I thought you told me once that you have a bunker or something.  You know, when you were all crazy about the Bird flu a few years ago.  You said you were ready for anything and you filled the laundry with baked beans and stuff and I'm sure you said we had a bunker.

Me:  No, we don't have a bunker - where the hell would we get a bunker?  And we ate all that food, and the rice got full of weevils and the potatoes went gross.  All I have left now are a few respirators and some out of date Tamiflu!!

Isabelle:  Really?  Is that all?  Really, no bunker?

Me:  Definitely no bunker.

Isabelle:  Well that's crap!  Hang on, I have to go Skype Kirsty and tell her we're all going to die.  Man, I really thought you had a bunker.


And that's when I realised that all my talk about surviving in an emergency (aka Zombie Apocalypse) was just that...all talk.  And that I am no more prepared than the next idiot for a TEOTWAWKI situation.

In fact, I am probably WORSE off than most, because I know what I should be doing if I truly believed my own tin-foil hat theories.  So when the excrement hits the oscillating blades I won't be one of those running around waving my arms in the air screaming "How could this happen", I'll be one of the ones staring at myself in the mirror and screaming "How could you let this happen WITHOUT getting ready, you stupid beeeatch!!"

So after several weeks of lamenting my disgraceful lack of preparedness and bunker-less state, I have decided to document my quest to prepare for the  End of the World.  It's not as easy as it sounds.